Finishing Unfinished Business; Which way will I go now?


I’m ready to leave LA. As my good friend Giles says frequently: “My work is done here.” It wasn’t really ‘work’; it was a complete pleasure seeing my daughter graduate from university and seeing one of my sons again. I’m so proud of them. And the one who lives in London.
Mentally, emotionally, for the last year what had preoccupied my thinking about this trip was the idea of seeing my ex-wife again. Although I initiated the divorce 5 years ago, I hadn’t wanted to. It broke my heart. Things had changed after 23 years of marriage. She had been a great wife during those years and continues to be a terrific mother to the children. We hadn’t spoken in years and I was slightly anxious. But the meeting went well. And something inside me finally felt completed, finished. It was very subtle but I sensed that a road was now repaired, new paths were being open to me. The crossing of a final bridge. Okay, the metaphors are bad but that’s what I felt.
I remember something Heidegger wrote about that in a change (Umschlag) something that was hidden and absent becomes manifested. That’s how I feel.
So now that everything is complete I am ready to leave again and I have no clue where I’m going. I want to leave it up to fate, chance, God, the Universe, the Tao -whatever. My son Colin asks where I’m going and I say ‘north’. He laughs and replies: “Well, I know that, but where north?”
“I don’t know.”
Not that I imagine myself as a knight errant of old, but I have been reading Don Quixote and came upon this quote:
He now came to a road branching in four directions, and immediately he was reminded of those cross-roads where knights-errant used to stop to consider which road they should take. In imitation of them he halted for a while, and after having deeply considered it, he gave Rocinante his head, submitting his own will to that of his hack (horse)…
My heart feels free. I have at least a month left to travel and I can go anywhere Big Red, my hack, wants to.
I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for reading.

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